Holding The Candle

Estimated read time 7 min read

Letting go of someone you shared your life with is never a cut and dry occurrence, no matter how brief it was, if the connection was impactful… well braise yourself for a lifetime of ukubamba I khandlela. 

So many times we tell ourselves that we have let go, only until you meet them again then boom you fall right back in love. Silly you does not always remember the detail of what led to the break-up, it just feels good and you let go. Often we consciously  don’t let go for reasons unknown to us, we try and fail and are never able to figure out why this person is so difficult to let go.

Unfinished romance, that’s the reason. We believe in predestined paths and that we never meet by chance, everything happens as it should when it should. It may get delayed due to people interferences or even self-sabotage, trust you me what must be must be. Life will keep taking you through the same experiences until you come to terms with what must be. 

What is unfortunate about our paths is that  much as it must cross with a particular person’s, you will not always be on par with maturity, wisdom, growth, as well you don’t always know if the crossing paths are a season, a reason, or a lifetime. You don’t get tuned into the right frequencies for each other for there to not be disturbances in your transmissions, and  then the wave of life strikes and heartache happens. 

Someone gets chosen for you for a season, reason, or lifetime. The seasonal people come as enhancers they don’t repeat cycles. They often show up when you are getting into a season of reaping and need assistance. They are the Nights on a horse that come to rescue you, you fall in love and they leave you…LOL ! heartbroken but whole. Acknowledge the win, count your blessings and switch off that candle

The reasons come to teach you a lesson for your growth or to gain wisdom, through pain disguised as love they teach you about yourself. They come yes when your guard is down and you’re as innocent as they come. From the beginning the signs are there, but ignored because the person feels so familiar.  You get used and hooked to the familiar until you’re convinced it is love and then the lessons begin.  These people repeat cycles, you will keep attracting the same kind or they will keep coming back to you until you have learned the lessons and each time, they leave you more broken than before. Recognise the signs as red flags, take in the lesson and switch off that candle

The lifetime, there is always an intriguing story to tell about how you met,  when told takes you right back to that day, when remembered makes your heart skip a beat and sneaks in a smile.

The lifetime faces many challenges very early in the relationship, the hoops and hurdles they jump through are exhausting. These two people are emotional, irrational, delicate, temperamental infuriating and would damn well drive each other to e Bhofolo (madhouse) but there’s always that light that burns nonstop inside that you just can’t switch off, the love that never goes away

Each one of these phases when inscribed in your path, must happen. Some stay longer than they should and some shorter than they should, why ? Because we are human, we want it to make sense, to add up, we want closure. That’s when we hold the candle, because either you were not ready for it to end yet, or it ended prematurely. Yazi holding the candle continues to beyond the grave ? The person comes back as a certain variant of the Mdawu ancestor to a relative of the one who denied the love from continuing . This kind of the Mdawu variant  comes to claim things owed or unfulfilled.  

It is therefore important to communicate when in a relationship, talk about the candles you’re holding without having to fear judgement. You reunite with your ex after being apart for seven years, of course life went on for one and stood absolutely still for the other…holding the candle. When you rekindle, the one holding the candle is already on the  “planning the wedding” chapter, because they never stopped being with you even in your absence. While the other one is at “Rediscovering myself” chapter. 

These two people are miles apart and the one ahead must stand and wait for the other to finish the chapter of “ rediscovering myself” , get through the chapter of “ I know my worth”  and many others to get to the chapter of “ planning the wedding” . Only to get to that part and decide to rename it to “ how to be together without the pressure of marriage”. Imagine being told that all you were looking forward to, was actually just a fantasy and doesn’t hold realistically. 

There is a picture of a big cat holding it’s prey by the neck and it reads” Lenza kanje idlozi mali kulanda kwi relationship” loosely translated, your ancestors fetch you kicking and screaming from a relationship that doesn’t work.

 I beg to differ yazi, I think they sit and watch of course giving all possibilities a chance to make the relationship work. See, idlozi can be very patient and silent. When then the chances have ren out, the heart tires and you can slowly feel that candle going off inside, the flame gets weaker and weaker. There is no kicking and screaming because you see, they have prepared you for it already. In your conscious mind you try and reason with the subconscious, questioning why the tired, where is the candle flame. 

The answers come in silence too, why the tired? Because you’ve been loving them in their absence, continued to love them in their presence being absent, you waited for them to catch up and when they did, they redefined your dream for you. Then you ask, where is the flame? the flame they ask, each time you cried because you had to remind them you were there, begged for quality time, ached for cuddles and kisses while they were right there, those tears tamed the flame.

Holding the candle can be good for people who both held the candle for each other, and paralyzing for those who held the candle on their own. Most often we can’t help it because it is inscribed in us without even knowing. Do yourself a favour, be firm with your partner about who you are and what you want. Don’t be blindsided by the excitement of getting back together, and if that flame keeps burning amidst the strolling through chapters while you wait, you have two choices;

  • Make a turn and go start the “Rediscovering myself” chapter  after they have completed it, who knows you might discover your sanity,  walk away and deal with the pain as it comes. 
  • Or, join a wine club and bloody drown that flame with grape juice. By the time they get to  “ How to be together without the pressure of marriage” chapter, you’ve already jotted down a few pages of your own !

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