I Love you 4….Isithembu

Estimated read time 7 min read

Isithembu, gxebe polygamy nge lika George  was practiced for the strengthening and growth of the family, back in the days.  A man was allowed to take a second wife directed by the ability to can provide for all if;

  • The first wife couldn’t bare kids and or a heir …indlalifa,
  • To assist the first wife with managing the household if there were too many chores to handle for one person,
  • When he is a healer, there is a wife chosen by you and wife or wives chosen by your ancestors. 
  • Of course ke when you come from royalty…the king is allowed to take many wives to enlarge the kingdom.

While in the days of old wealth was defined as your ability to provide in abundance generated through farming i.e. livestock, ploughing fields. Times now have changed and so have the rules of engagement, isithembu or modern polygamy is practiced with only one stipulation, you must have the wealth for it. I am talking the legal and under carpet polygamy. 

Let’s define wealth with reference to  modern polygamy;

  • The legal isithembu –  the ability to share your budget equally or unequally leaving all parties with the impression of gaining.
  • The illegal isithembu – the formulation of the polygamy gene from the lack of being seen resulting in blindness to self. 

No, I didn’t use google this time 😊 smart me !

With any polygamous relationships there is rivalry amongst the wives  and or the kids, it is always a race of outshining the other. Some of these relationships result in death either of the wives or the husband because of the witching that happens against each other. The battle is about the man being transparent, constant, fair and objective. A difficult balance to strike because each relationship bring out a different you, as well we are not alone in our relationships we walk with our ancestors too who see beyond the naked eye and directs behaviour accordingly

With each relationship we go through, a character of yourself gets exposed or realised. Relationships don’t just end, they end because of differences  realised after the honeymoon phase when the yes love’s have run out and the true characters emerge. Suddenly what you thought you could tolerate or overlook, leaves you gasping for air and brings out the worst in you. The opposite is also true, what you’ve always thought you couldn’t tolerate suddenly becomes just one of those things.

Our better halves are a mirror to us, they reflect the good and bad in us, depending on where we are on the growth scale the reflections will either be the light we need to shine or the light that dims our shine…. yes, the quality of our relationships shapes who we become, what do I mean…

The light that dims our shine……………………………………

The light that dims our shine is the reflection of yourself reflected by your better half that focuses only on the negative or the bad. That one very critical partner who never loses an opportunity to comment about how you’re gaining weight, how you embarrass them when you chew, how your eggs are never just perfect like he likes them, how you always miss a spot when cleaning….And the ladies, they tell you about how other man out there are doing it for their women, how you should do more to get more money…without providing any ideas by the way, they seize to be the “woman” in the relationship and they control when and how you get intimate. This can result in low self-esteem or depression

The light we need to shine…………………………………………….

This reflection is the one that makes you feel you can take on the world, like you are the most handsome or beautiful… yeeiiy man! This one the yes loves never runs out amid hardships disagreements and disappointments, because the focus is always on dealing with the deed and not the person. My grandmother used to say,” arguments and disagreements while in a love relationship  does not take away from you that you love each other, therefore always deal with the problem not the person”. This means, you never seize your role in the relationship because you had an argument, still call each other love even when screaming on top of your voices, continue to run him a bath after a long day of work, make him breakfast, take the cars to the car wash and fill the petrol in her car, give her that weekly allowance. You are not fighting with her/him but with what led you to the argument!

With either one of these  relationships one thing is certain we seek to be seen, mind this though we are seen not only by the naked eye but also by the ancestors you walk with, so pretence will only get you so far. Somewhere somehow your true self gets exposed and the popo hits the fan.  

We in these days cannot compare polygamy now to polygamy then, e ya la ma xesha bubu tsotsi nje qha plain and simple. We suffer from a dis-ease of the self, asizazi. We hijack the ways of old that were practiced with wisdom and dignity to feed a need of wanting to be seen. 

 I  have always subscribed to the school of thought that says, people enter relationships to have a witness to their lives. That one person who will always say, “ yes, I remember that day or that occurrence”. This happens so every moment of your life is documented and never goes unnoticed, there is always witness that you were here by someone other than yourself.  I have believed this because of the need to be seen over and over again..

How many times can a person be seen by the same person in their life? The answer is many times, over and over again. A person has many layers and when paired correctly unwrapping these layers of each other will demonstrate frustration and many challenges, because with each layer there is an entourage of ancestors to be appeased, and with each level you pass there’s much growth and fulfilment to be gained. 

Let us give ourselves the courtesy to self-introspect, get it into your mind that having multiple partners has nothing to do with lacking of the person you are currently with, but everything to do with the you that is reflected back to you. That unending need or desire to be seen is that silent voice within that says “ I need to be me”.  Meaning, the life span of the person aroused by the partner you are with has expired, it was unsustainable because it was fake and wasn’t reflecting the true you. Or it is the true you, but you just don’t…how will you know what you don’t know anyways , right ? 

Mamela, save us all the trauma u hambe u yothwasa clearly the person you need to discover yi leli khehla no ma u gogo o phila nga phakathi kwakho ! Sabela thwasa, u yabiza u gobela……

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